Dan's Top 10

Top 10 ways to help the Star Tribune get in the black

10. With their rabid support for Obama many think they already are in the black
9.  Way, way too many journalists who no longer can be objective. Cut them back
8.  The opinion page would be a nice place to cut, especially when it's the same all the time
7.  Get rid of the expense of having a "Minnesota Poll". It's never been very accurate anyway
6.  Push the website, startribune.com by being more like Google and Ebay
5.  Bust the Newspaper Guild Union
4.  Deregulate and become a series of "community newspapers"
3.  Officially change the name to "The Red Star Tribune" and be honest
2.  Hire back the ad staff they lost to the Pioneer Press
1.  Print a smaller newspaper. Make it toilet paper size for convenience

Top 10 Reasons Daily Newspapers are a Dying Business

10.  All the wacko ads have gone to Craig's List
9.  Tying to protect their subscriber base, newspapers were too slow embracing the web
8.  Local business owners remember all the price gouging that went on
7.  They all went too far to the left, filling newsrooms with commie lib journalists
6.  Like all libs, newspapers went crazy spending their profits on frills instead of saving for the future
5.  People don't want to insult their birds by lining the bird cage with them
4.  The journalists are not giving their best effort thinking shorter stories will save trees
3.  Google came up with a great advertising concept that newspapers had no answer for
2.  Readers left for news coverage that was fair and balanced
1. With smaller computers, people really do read the news from the bathroom stall

Top 10 Star Tribune Annual Report Themes

10. No profit sharing again, but we're changing the menu in the cafeteria
9. This year was better than the coming year
8. No bankruptcy, yet
7. We're not laying off, just trimming the fat
6. Over promise and under deliver
5. Outsourcing to India for fun and profit
4. Who needs classified ads anyway?
3. We're stronger without all those troublemakers on staff
2. No theme this year, the person who does it now works at the Pioneer Press
1. We're working to not be the In-the-Red Star Tribune

Top 10 Star Tribune future headlines to watch for.

10. Star Tribune posts $5 profit for the year
9. The Star Tribune endorses Lord Obama for President
8. The Star Tribune outsources all news gathering to liberals in India
7. The Star Tribune files for bankruptcy protection
6. More layoffs announced at the Star Tribune
5. Former automotive/real estate manager loses job, cries like a baby, wets his pants
4. Pioneer Press holds job fair in Star Tribune conference center
3. Nick Coleman makes it official, joins communist party.
2. Star Tribune pulls out as sponsor of Gay Pride Parade.
1. Gay employees hold love-in at publisher's office. Publisher pulls editorial support for gay marriage.

Top 10 closing lines used by journalism school recruiters

10. All our graduates are Democratic Party members
9. Our graduates are faithful volunteers to Lord Obama
8. CNN is the only TV station we carry in the dorms
7. Our dorm food service only serves organic vegetable hot dishes
6. Instead of "fair and balanced" we use the theme, "we report it because we are right"
5. Our history books have all been given a progressive update
4. We don't have school on Dan Rather's birthday
3. We take the term "separation from church" very seriously.
2. We have our own on campus abortion clinic.
1. We have zero tolerance for anything that can be used as a weapon. We only use color crayons.

Top 10 closing lines used by Star Tribune Ad Reps

10. Yes we did take win fall profits on the backs of our advertisers, so what
9. Buy this ad and help save my job
8. I'm hosting the suite, if we clean up two suites before the game we get free nachos and pop during the game
7. Advertise and you'll never have an adjustment
6. We really need this ad today, the corporate phone bill is due on Tuesday
5. Support the little guy in town instead of the big box newspaper across the river
4. Our circulation figures come straight from our circulation department in Walmart
3. The make up of our news department is changing, the readers love to see who is gone next
2. Our circulation is down because our newspaper is going green trying to save trees and gas
1. Not being in the black really does make us the Red Star Tribune, so buy an ad soon.