Dan's Top 10

Top 10 Reasons Mormon Church Services Last So Long

10. All the men are pastors
 9. Too many debates over getting your Temple card
 8. With all the big families, it takes forever to get the kids ready to listen
 7. There's a lot of dead people to pray for
 6. It takes awhile to screen people to see if they are wearing the Mormon Underwear
 5. The treasurer has to verify your tithe before you can leave
 4. With big families it can take forever to complete all the arranged marriages
 3. Too much talking about BYU Football
 2. Too many books to learn about (the Bible, the Book of Mormon, Concordences)
 1. With all the different levels of heaven, it gets very confusing even for future Gods

Top 10 Rejected Names for the Mormon Dating Service

10. Child breeders connection
 9.  Second wives club
 8.  More big love
 7.  Wives a plenty
 6. Bishop approved dating
 5. Salt Lake City or Bust
 4. Temple Talk
 3. Black Ties Required
 2. Arranged match.com
 1. E-Harmony Mormon Style

Top 10 Rick Warren Prayer Topics for the Obama Inaguration

10.  Pray for all the souls who voted against Proposition 8
 9.  Pray that Obama changes his mind on abortion
 8.  Pray that socialism will not become the norm for this incoming administration
 7.  Pray for the safety of Israel
 6.  Pray for a non-nuclear Iran
 5.  Pray that Russia and China will see the error of their ways
 4.  Pray that the incoming administration will not use George Bush as an excuse for their failures
 3.  Pray that Obama will uphold the Christian traditions America was founded on
 2.  Pray that Obama will not use diversity as a club to beat people with
 1.  Pray that Obama will consider freedom more important than fairness

Top 10 Ways to improve the Catholic Church

10.  Get rid of the priests who refuse to follow the beliefs of the church
 9.   Allow the priests to marry women
 8.   Modernize the liturgy
 7.   Encourage people to read their Bibles
 6.  Prosecute all the child molesters to the fullest extent of the law
 5.  Get rid of all the petty rules like talking to your neighbor in the pew next to you
 4.  Allow for very contemporary music in church services
 3. Encourage a "come as you are" dress code
 2.  Don't be so lax on sin
 1.  Get rid of all the weird books of the Bible that no one else has

 

 

Top 10 questions to see if your pastor has Mega Church potential

10. Does he like to write books?
9.  Does he like to "hollar" when he preaches?
8. Does he have the personality of a Bible nerd or a talk show host?
7. How fast does he expect your church to grow?
6. How good is he at raising money?
5. Is he willing to put services on TV?
4. Is he a good administrator or does he leave it to others?
3. How often does the church web site talk about your pastor?
2. Is he willing to dump problem people in order to allow for more growth?
1. How good is he at showing concern when he's really not concerned?

Top 10 More Mega Church Advertising Campaign Slogans

10. Bigger is better
9. God is a big God, he needs a big church
8. Don't like Mega, go Mini with our daughter church
7. Hard of hearing? We have a Mega sound system
6. We do drama better than little churches
5. Where else can you go the hear Rock Music in a service?
4. Our famous pastor, when he's in town, might be doing the sermon this Sunday
3. Can't make it on Sunday, our pastor is having a book signing on Wednesday
2. Our Ushers actually Ush
1. No traffic jams here, we have shuttle buses from the parking lots

Top 10 Reasons Baptists give for not dancing

10.  We don't want to be even remotely associated with Rap Crap
9. We just don't know the latest dance steps
8. We don't want to be confused with the Charismatics
7. The Devil dances over the unsaved
6. Where in the Bible does it say Jesus danced?
5. Dancing always seems to involve the Devil's Brew
4. You can't read the Bible while you are dancing
3. First you dance, then you drink, then you become a mass murderer.
2. We were all set to dance until the Elvis guy came along
1. We've seen how stupid people look doing that "chicken dance"

Top 10 Mega Church little known ministries

10.  The Tone Deaf Church Choir
9.   Drumming for Jesus
8.   12 Step Program for Christians who think the King James Bible is the ONLY Bible to read
7.   Cult deprogramming training programs
6.   Anti-terrorist church ushers
5.   Baptism Life Guards
4.   Dave Ramsey Power Shopping Club
3.   Mini-me Little People Ministries
2.  Exorcism survivors support group
1.  Christian Ethics for Lawyers

Top 10 Small Church Advertising Slogans

10. We're all family here
9. The little church with the big heart
8. You can't hide at this church
7. You don't need all those programs anyway
6. We don't need as many volunteers
5. We won't be building a million dollar building any time soon
4. It only takes six visits to become part of our family
3. Our pastor is always available, except when he's working his other job
2. If you have money, you can run this church
1. Your kids will get plenty of attention in our youth group

Top 10 Mega Church Ad Campaign Slogans

10. You don't really want to go to that tiny church do you?
9. If we don't have a ministry for you, you don't need it.
8. We place only the "good sermons" on our TV Broadcast.
7. Join the fun as we raise 50 million dollars for our new facility.
6. Our ministries are non-offensive
5. Volunteer and be rewarded. We need 300 volunteers each and every Sunday.
4. Our pastor can out-write and out-talk your pastor.
3. We're friendly, just not in church, come to our small groups and see the difference.
2. Church done your way, you done God's way.
1. Come and get lost in the crowd!