Dan's Top 10

Top 10 Reasons Kevin McHale is still working for the Timberwolves

 10. He's got a lot of "dirt" on the owner
   9. Not finished proving to everyone he can make a great trade
   8. Being a "home town hero" gives him lots of protection
   7. Too many other General Managers haven't had a chance to take advantage of him yet
   6. The Boston Celtics are making payments to keep him in the league
   5. The Timberwolves are waiting around for the PR value of the long awaited "Cheers" movie
   4. It would be unfair to dump him when the Wolves are so close to a championship
   3. They are waiting for the wolves to get that first lottery pick in the draft
   2. He's too valuable teaching the big men on the team to play like him
   1. His talent at picking draft picks actually saves the team money in the long run

Top 10 Obama threats to supporters to raise more cash

10. Send in more money or we'll call you too a "pig"
9.  Remember, I'll control the nukes and use them on disloyal Americans who don't pay up
8.  Don't even think you are a Patriot unless to give me more green
7.  Get used to forking over the money now so my tax increases won't seem like much
6.  Pay up or we'll send Joe Biden to your house
5.  Send in the green or we'll get Hillary to rip you a new one
4.  You know husbands, I can arrange for Bill Clinton to meet your wife
3.  I'm from Chicago, I know people who will be glad to personally take your contribution
2.  I didn't organize all these communities to be peaceful
1.  All the gangsta rap guys are at my command

Top 10 Comments overheard during Governor Sarah Palin's introduction

10. Who?
9.  Maybe now we'll get our oil and natural gas out of Alaska
8. Being a beauty queen can't help
7. She led her basketball team to the state championship, maybe she can challenge Obama in HORSE
6. It won't look good for angry Joe Biden to beat her up during a debate
5. Too bad she'll have to quit being a hockey mom and basketball coach
4. She's the spitting image of SNL's Tina Faye
3. Unlike Hillary, I don't think she'll be wearing any blaze orange pants suits
2. Hey, she has as much experience as Obama
1. She likes to hunt, is an NRA member, sportsmen and sportswomen will love her

Top 10 comments overheard during Senator Obama's speech

10. Lord Obama, we worship at your feet
9. It's not about him...hmmm...
8. He went to Iraq once
7. We don't want to work with Republicans, we want to destroy them
6. 140 days in the Senate, that's qualification enough for me
5. He really is "the ONE"
4. Good thing all his proposals will only be paid for by the $200,000 per year rich people
3. I don't care about his politics, I want a black guy as president
2. Isn't he a Harvard educated lawyer?
1. Good thing they had an open aired stadium, he'd never have got in the door with those ears.

Top 10 Things overheard at a PETA convention

10. I can't wait for Obama to get in there, we'll finally have equal rights for animals
9. We're thinking hunting should really be a hate crime
8. Spay and neutering isn't working, how about we have animal abortion clinics?
7. Isn't it great we have such wonderful credibility with Bill Maher as our spokesperson
6. Boy we really raked in the money on that last spot about homeless dogs and cats
5. I'm confused, is sex with animals good or bad?
4. Do you think we can get the Hollywood crowd to donate more than just time?
3. Are you sure some of our "special" friends are leaving the gerbils alone?
2. I really don't see why these "cat ladies" should be punished. 100 cats in a house is more to love.
1. Do you think Obama will pull a "John Kerry" and go hunting with a bunch of rednecks to gather more  white votes? 

Top 10 "Yoda" comments on the new Star Wars, "Clone Wars"

10. Sucks, it does, don't see
9. A video game, the future I see
8. Abomination, animation it was
7. Script, light saber slashed I think
6. Action, it was, too much I see
5. On the cheap, Star Wars it was
4. May like, artists, they will, not so much others
3. New character, don't like, no development she has
2. Influence, Anime, too strong it was
1. Yoda, drawn poor he is, sharp features too much

Top 10 Overheard Bigfoot comments on being found

10.  As hunted as we are, I guess it had to happen sometime
9.  Those smelly men interrupted our funeral service
8.  At least they didn't find the Bigfoot capital city in Washington State
7.  It was just getting too embarrassing to keep having our poop analyzed
6.  If we answer their questions, maybe they'll leave us alone
5.  At least they'll never know how ugly our Bigfoot women are
4.  Unlike human men, the size of our feet has nothing to do with the size of our Johnson
3.  Why did we ever let that guy take that video years ago
2.  We better get a lawyer to protect our rights
1.  Just when we thought we were winning the media battle by having the National Enquirer report on John Edwards rather than us.

Top 10 Reasons why youth wear low riding pants

10. Because they don't know their proper waist size
9. It's a great way to show off the latest in boxer shorts
8. They think it will attract women to their cute rear
7. It makes it easier to change clothes when your pants are already down
6. Your farts don't have so much clothing to go through
5. It forces you to get a chain for your wallet
4. Wearing stocking caps in the summer has shrunk their brains
3. Can't be expected to know how to wear pants when they don't know how to wear caps
2. Makes sure fat lazy American kids don't have to run anywhere
1. Makes it convenient for them to have sex with their teachers

Top 10 Rejected Viagra Ad Slogans

10. Everyone needs a little perk now and then.
9. Pop up by popping pills
8. Hop on pop again
7. The cure for the summer time blues
6. Where's the beef? Right here!
5. Old guys don't drool they rule!
4. The dead zone lives!
3. The side effects will make you popular
2. We can make it better, not bigger
1. If it doesn't work, no biggie

Top 10 John Edwards Pick-up Lines

10.  The campaign trail is a lonely place...
9.  I feel your pain but I could feel so much more...
8.  I have complete confidence the national media will not report this.
7.  I can help you with that lawsuit, I take personal services in trade.
6. You help me in a special way, I'll get you a job in my next campaign.
5. Bill Clinton is my mentor, would you like to meet him?
4. Have faith, nobody will believe those National Enquirer guys.
3. You are hotter than John Kerry's wife.
2. I'm a trial lawyer, I sue people who say "no" to me.
1. We have plenty of time, my wife is having cancer treatment.