Dan's Top 10

Top 10 New Years Resolutions for Minnesotans

10. That maybe just maybe the Gopher Football team will be better in their own stadium
 9.  That the Vikings do well in the playoffs
 8.  That the Timberwolves fire Kevin McHale & keep their draft pick
 7.  That the Twins find a third baseman and a shortstop
 6.  That the state votes out their first Muslim congressman
 5.  That Governor Tim Pawlenty will become "governor for life"
 4.  That Larry Pogemiller finds a new job in another state
 3.  That more and more of the left wingers in the state will move to San Francisco
 2.  The Wild will change their name to some thing instead of an unknown
 1.  That New Yorker Al Franken doesn't win the recount to become Senator

Top 10 Reasons for Global Warming

10. Like everything else, it's all Bush's fault
 9.  It's all about those evil business owners trying to make payroll
 8.  It's a plot by the northern states to keep the snow birds home
 7.  It's a scam by Al Gore to make more money to support his extravagant lifestyle
 6.  The Hollywood Left needs a reason to show how smart they are since they are uneducated
 5.  Earth First needs cover so they can bring Communism to America
 4.  The Retards in the Democratic Party need an "Emergency" to pass Retarded Laws
 3.  Just another way for Ophra to get Obama elected
 2.  All the temperature measurements come from concrete laden airports
 1.  The 100 years of recorded temperatures negates the rest of history

Top 10 Santa Claus celebrity gifts

10.  A new vote counting machine for Norm Coleman
 9.  A new way to beg for money for Governor Arnold
 8.  Ten more ways to tax people for the mayor of New York
 7.  A cure for that awful fruity lisp of Barney Frank
 6.  A brain for the women on "The View"
 5.  A new money printing machine for President-Elect Obama
 4.  A muzzle for Rev. Wright
 3. More lists of dead people for ACORN
 2. A quick and speedy impeachment for the Governor of Illinois
 1. Special glasses for left wingers and the media to see the "real Obama"

Top 10 Reasons Obama should keep his shirt on

10.  If I wanted to see a skinny guy in shorts I would have picked that JJ "Dynamite" guy
 9.  Putin looked better, must be the KGB training
 8.  Respect for the office of the President-elect
 7.  It was pandering to the Gays over his pick of Rick Warren to give the prayer
 6.  To borrow Walter Mondale's line, "where's the beef?"
 5.  He can take his shirt off in Hawaii but still hasn't shown us his birth certificate?
 4.  What's next, gang tattoos?
 3.  If we wanted to see someone built for the job we'd be looking at Governor Arnold
 2.  Europe already doesn't respect Americans, why make matters worse?
 1.  The Mullahs in Iran are going to have a field day with this one

Top 10 Tips for last minute Christmas Shopping

10. Stay away from Long Island Walmarts
 9. Toy guns are great Christmas gifts for kids
 8. Cash is king, our government is printing more money every day
 7. Prayer is always good in dealing with stress
 6. Take the pledge, boycott "happy holidays" in favor of "Merry Christmas"
 5.  Be nice, that toy is not worth dying for
 4. No money, give the gift of time and love
 3. Have fun, walk down a row of parked cars with keys in your hand & see how many wait for your parking spot
 2. Buy all your presents for the next year, the day after Christmas so you won't have to put up with this stuff next year
 1. Remember, if it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done

Top 10 ways we know the snow birds are back in Arizona

10. Traffic is more congested than usual
 9.  Many white haired old ladies trying to figure out the ATM
 8.  Lots of folks with ghost white skin
 7.  Lots of very slow drivers
 6.  Cars with Chicago Cubs bumper stickers on them
 5.  You have waiting lines at the pharmacy
 4.  Old Town Scottsdale is very busy
 3. It's harder to get tee times
 2. All the low priced sit-down restaurants are full
 1. Old people escorting tourists who are wearing shorts and short sleve shirts during winter in Arizona

Top 10 Quixstar Recruitment Lines

10.  "Oh, we're not Amway"
 9.   "If you buy $100 a month in soap and motivational tapes and find ten others to do the same, you'll be rich before you know it.
 8.   "Just think, soon you'll be able to warehouse product in your garage"
 7.  "You too can have your very own Internet store just like me"
 6.  "There isn't anything we don't sell to our one million distributors"
 5.  "You don't have to sell a thing, just come to our motivational meetings"
 4.  "Yah, those Amway dealers are the pits, Quixstar is much better
 3. " Who needs friends and relatives anyway, they'll just get in and quit on you"
 2.  How great, you can buy everything you need from your upline"
 1.  "If you don't like your friends and relatives, have I got a business that's perfect for you"

Top 10 Rick Warren Prayer Topics for the Obama Inaguration

10.  Pray for all the souls who voted against Proposition 8
 9.  Pray that Obama changes his mind on abortion
 8.  Pray that socialism will not become the norm for this incoming administration
 7.  Pray for the safety of Israel
 6.  Pray for a non-nuclear Iran
 5.  Pray that Russia and China will see the error of their ways
 4.  Pray that the incoming administration will not use George Bush as an excuse for their failures
 3.  Pray that Obama will uphold the Christian traditions America was founded on
 2.  Pray that Obama will not use diversity as a club to beat people with
 1.  Pray that Obama will consider freedom more important than fairness

Top 10 Reasons you won't see a Gay Church in Texas

10. People carry guns to church
 9. Not many Gays go to church in Texas
 8. Not enough high fashion clothes stores in Texas
 7. So many churches it's hard to find a good location for a new one
 6. Gays are affraid to live in Texas
 5. Not enough Gay pastors to go around
 4. No one knows who Harvey Milk is
 3. Too many people praying against it
 2. No place to hold a Gay Pride parade
 1. Churches in the Bible Belt take a dim view of "wardrobe malfunctions"

Top 10 Jessie Jackson Rymes about his son's legal problems

10.  "He didn't do the crime so he ain't doing the time"
 9.   "The Governor lied, so my son shouldn't be fried"
 8.    "I got the money, he's got the honey, this is not funny"
 7.   "If only we would have offered more, we'd have been out the door"
 6.   "This is what we get for trusting a mighty whitey"
 5.    "The media just don't understand, this is the way we do it in Chicagoland"
 4.    "We were just looking for a little presidential pay back to find our way back to the Senate"
 3.    "My son showed he was mad, certainly not at Dad"
 2.    "We needed more hookers that were lookers to sweaten the pot"
 1.    "In order to prosecute, you need to execute that search order which won't happen