Dan's Top 10

Top 10 ways to recover from Black Friday

10. Bring everything back
 9. Apologize to everyone you knocked over
 8. Ask forgiveness for all the cuss words you used
 7. Pour a stiff drink
 6. Pour a stiff drink over your credit cards
 5. Buy for next Christmas after this Christmas
 4. Listen to Dave Ramsey every day
 3. Buy "Budgeting for Dummies"
 2. Be thankful you had the money to buy bargins
 1. Burn the lawn chairs & tent you used to wait in line

Top 10 Comments overheard during the bathroom stall romance at the Metrodome

10. "This is just wrong, we shouldn't be doing this in a handicapped stall"
  9.  "If only the game would have been close I wouldn't have had to get so drunk"
  8.  "Would we have attracted a bigger crowd if we had done it in the women's bathroom?"
  7.  "Let's do it here, my husband will never know"
  6.   "I've got a reputation to protect, no names please"
  5.   "Why go back to my seat, all the excitement is in here"
  4.   "Boy, my wife has sure been in the bathroom a long time"
  3.   "They should charge more for tickets with all these extra events going on"
  2.    "I couldn't get to the bathroom, it was packed with people chanting 'go-go'
  1.    That's just how we spend our honeymoons in Iowa, it's a step up from the outhouse

Top 10 Strategies for Black Friday

10. The early bird catches the worm
  9. If you are too far back in line & get the shaft, pull the fire alarm
  8.  Elbow pads are helpful in tight corners
  7.  Be quick & hit the floor running
  6.  Stop by the newspaper printing plant before the press run is over to get a sneak peek at the ads
  5.  Plot your route
  4.  Spend like mad so you can put in for a government bail out
  3.  Spread the wealth and contribute to the Salvation Army
  2.  Give cash instead of gift cards. They might not be around in a few months.
  1.  Save the Turkey Drumstick for waiting in line

Top 10 New California Tax Proposals

10.  25 percent tax on all tithes to the Mormon Church
 9.   50 percent tax on all income from New York Professional Sports Teams
 8.   20 percent tax on all private schools
 7.   50 percent tax on any parent who wants to home school their kids
 6.   99 percent tax on every movie produced in India's Bollywood
 5.   $10 per time when Gov. Arnold mispronounces a word
 4.   $1000 per person for everyone laid off from the newspaper business
 3.   Ten percent tax per breast enhancement
 2.    80 percent tax on blonde hair coloring
 1.    35 percent "tail tax" on all porn movies produced in California

Top 10 Comments overheard during the 55-0 Minnesota loss to Iowa

10. " I can't wait to get out of the building"
  9.   "It's only been a few years, time to fire the coach"
  8.   "Boy, those Iowa fans are sure loud"
  7.   "You think they'll get new uniforms to go with the new stadium?"
  6.   "How can Northwestern win a Big Ten title when we can't"
  5.   "After losing to North Dakota State, maybe we should switch leagues?"
  4.   "So that's what Floyd the Pig looks like"
  3.  "We might have a better chance against Northern Iowa University"
  2.   "I'm glad hockey season is starting"
  1.   "Maybe we should fire the overpaid president of the University"

Top 10 Features of the new Minnesota Gopher football stadium

10.  Barf bags on the back of each and every seat
 9.   Replicas of "The Axe, the Little Brown Jug, & Floyd the Pig" since Gopher fans never get to see the real ones.
 8.  The Sid Hartman "close, personal, friend" section (one free hot dog with every "Sid" book sold).
 7.  Escalators running out of the stadium starting at half time
 6.  A free supply of crying towels in each and every bathroom
 5.  Paper bags with pre-cut eye holes available for free, located under each seat
 4.  Wisconsin, Michigan and Iowa will have their own merchandise stands to accommodate the huge crowds
 3.  "Get Lucky" suites for potential football recruits to enjoy the game
 2.  A rowdy "student section" just for those 100 die hard university fans
 1.  On the field seats for those few old timers who remember the last Big Ten Championship

Top 10 Agenda Items for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton

10.  Find Bill a real job
 9.   Keeping Bill away from State Dept. Interns
 8.   Increasing her own personal power base
 7.   Under-cutting Obama at every turn
 6.   Become a world leader
 5.   Set up meetings with enemy countries
 4.   Keep Bill from horning in on the process
 3.   Hire lots of Lesbian Security Guards
 2.   Keep up with the testosterone shots
 1.   Figure out how to bomb Iran without Obama's permission

Top 10 rejected marketing slogans for the NHL

10.  Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting
 9.   Sticks and stones will break our bones...
 8.   Hockey Mom's Love us
 7.   Faster than a speeding bullet
 6.   Goonies
 5.   Watch our shootouts
 4.   Get the puck out of here
 3.   Like politicians, we'll fight for you
 2.   Watch our Canadian sport played by ex-commies
 1.   Unlike the NBA, our players only shoot on the ice.

Top 10 Jobs in the New Economy

10. Tax collector
  9. Divorce Lawyer
  8. Tax Accountant
  7. Liberal Lobbyist
  6. Employment Counselor
  5. Social Worker
  4. Federal Government Jobs
  3. Nutrition Natzi
  2. Tax Lawyer
  1. Community Organizer

Top 10 Little Known Buyout Candidates

10.  The Republican Party
 9.   The Hillary Clinton Campaign
 8.   The FLDS Church
 7.   Celebrity Homes under fire in California
 6.   O.J. Simpson Legal Defense Fund
 5.   The cost of the Minnesota Vikings "Party Boat"
 4.   The Minneapolis Star Tribune
 3.   The New York Times
 2.   The Communist Newsletter
 1.   The Acorn Legal Defense Fund